Falling in Love

My mother agreed to go to the EQ and Leadership course that I think so highly of. I called her for the first time in years and she agreed to go immediately. To be honest, there was a part of me that was disappointed because I didn't have to fight for it, she just said yes. (Shrugging my shoulders) That knee jerk response is something that I'm working on and will always be apart of me, though now I don't have to act on it. Ok, I'm lying to myself, I'll do every now and again, but I like and it helps to get kicked in the teeth once and awhile. (Shrugging my shoulders again). I'm so proud of her. She's going way outside her comfort zone and that alone is a victory for her. This stupid course has given me so much that all I want to do is share the love. Tapping the brakes for a minute, I want to acknowledge that I don't know everything, in fact I know far, far less than I delude myself into believing. Yesterday was great for me, because I got to talk to two important people in my life that lovingly smacked me down a little. If you're reading this, please do it each and every time I need it. One told me to be open to other modes of enlightenment, and that my way is not the only way. Fair, and they're right, which is great because now I'm open to learning and experiencing more. My second friend, after reading an apology I wrote to my entire MBA class, called me up and asked me what was going on. I told him what I was doing and he started laughing. Come to find out, he did a course much like mine, and we were able to connect on our shared experience. I don't remember a time talking to someone outside this course about our growths, realizations, and challenges. We might even go to each others courses, which I'm crazy excited about. I've also been invited to an ayahuasca ceremony in Peru, and I can't wait to go..... To both of you for yesterday, let me think you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I'm a better person for it. I fell in love with this course. It's weird and I don't know how to explain it, but I did. A deep, meaningful, storied love that I've never experienced before. I'm currently in the leadership course and they made the mistake of putting me in a role of responsibility for the team. I feel like I did while in the military, of wanting to protect my 'guys'. What this has taught me is to be open about my caring for them, and showing them. It's also allowed me to understand and communicate what's going inside me. The other day I told them, that they were my misfits and loved them all. What they don't know is that they own me. Whatever they need, please don't tell them. Love you all, Brent

Revelation

Tonight I made breakthrough that I didn't want to have. If I'm serious about enrolling people into Choice Center I have to enroll my mother. She should have been the first person I called. If I enroll her, then I can no longer have the righteous satisfaction of being mad at her. My previous post someone asked me if I was working for Choice. This person read the blog and got a sense of a hustle, but she wanted to clarify so she asked. What she sensed was me not being vulnerable and authentic. She guessed it was me making money from referring people, but in actuality I was selling a version of myself. That self was a person who really liked the course, but wasn't as committed has he proclaimed. This person was right, I was selling what I hadn't experienced. Tonight I realized since I hadn't repaired my relationship with my mother I was only part way in. So I was a fraud. Well shit.... I've been crying the last ten minutes.... I really don't want to experience the pain of this, but I have to. This fucking course got to my core. I'm writing this while facing the fire. It's fucking awful, don't let anyone lie to you. Tomorrow when I get to take this course I can no longer be mad at her and will have to love her. I will have to have a relationship with her. I will be remove a formative layer of protection that I've built up around me. Fuck, I'm crying again. I have to take responsibility to fix a relationship with someone who I could the rest of my life without seeing again. The fucking course has some circular logic that I'm having trouble describing. This is the best I can do so far, but it's much deeper. I know this course works because it doesn't allow you to escape doing the hard thing that needs to be done, even if it's the absolute last thing you want to do. Someday I be able to explain it better. I realize I'm holding on to these emotions and this story for many reasons, one of which does not make me look like a good person. I lose the sympathy card that I've masterly learned how to use. Damn that was tough to admit to, and also scary to think about how many other victim stories I use to manipulate people. All the other reasons have an overall theme of her being a pain in the ass, which I will now incorporate back into my life. She's a difficult woman, and will always be difficult, but I've had my moments of being difficult to be around as well. I"ll post what happens tomorrow. I'm tired and I don't want to think about it anymore. Why does the thought of calling to repair the relationship with your mother feel worse than the thought of going to war?

Choice Center is no Choice

Las Vegas is my new home. The fucking desert and all it's dry excruciating hotness. I am from the water, born of the sea, and the most pure when in it. Twice have I said, "never again" to this extreme. It was the main reason I left the Army, that and the threat of death, but mostly the desert. The second is my resistance to the family farm in West Texas. Holy Jesus, has that caused some issues with me and one of my paternal units. Yet, here I sit in no mans land, baking and drying out in a town that makes no sense. But, why am I having so much fun in a place and climate that is awful? Of course the answer is simple and logical, the community of people I have surrounded myself with. My army buddy Dave in the source of this adventure. He talked me into a leadership course that transformed my life. He gave me a gift, one that I'm eternally grateful for and one I'd like to share. The work, and transformation, have been absolutely the best experience of my life. It taught me how to love myself and how to love others for who they are. If you're at all familiar with this type of study, then you can confer how much my ego was in control. The ego is a hell of a thing and one that controls the experiences of your life. Goddamn I was a miserable cuss. The only way to explain it was I believed that I was actually living in Hell. There was so much pain everyday, that it actually seemed plausible. Google "Are we in hell?", and see all the posts. There's even hour long YouTube videos exploring the idea. In all fairness some of the video were actually quite interesting, and if you like to think about new and interesting ideas it's worth a watch. Then this fucking thing called EQ revealed itself. Emotional Intelligence what? It had to be another self help, new age, pseudo science, Tony Robbins bullshit that the sheeple will love. Actually I wasn't that bad, but I didn't think it would work. Fast forward to the first of two four day weekends. Mind fucking blown!!! Converted!!! Evangelist!!! All the things!!! I can tell what it is and what it does, but I'm assuming like faith, you have to experience it. Being a non-believer, I never knew what that 'feeling' was, and internally scorned those that did. The opiate for the masses mindset. I've been trying to tell people what it transformation is like, and working hard to get those I care about most to go. Nope!!! They're not interested and give me what I assume was my look to people who have found the 'answer'. Fair. Actually the more I think about it, the more I empathize with those I'm beating up to go. It's this weird place that you understand why people are resistant, and the belief you have a secret that you want to share. I have an ANSWER people, trust me and I promise you it'll be amazing. Here's the thing though, it's not all the answers, just one big one, and it spills over to other things. The struggle is still real, but you get some powerful tools that become ingrained in you to help. That last sentence is what I feel is my biggest obstacle when talking to people about the training. Most of my friends and family are in the business world, a lot of them corporate. I remember sitting through countless corporate training, listening to someone talk about whatever bullshit they had. Looking back it's not fair to call the training concept or material bullshit. I'm sure there are reasons, great reasons, for them all to exist, but the balance of training value and profit maximization probably waters the material down. Also it's mandatory, which immediately puts up a lot of barriers for me. So if I talk to you and you think it's going to be a waste of time like all the other trainings you've done before, I understand. So how did I go from hating the desert and moving to Las Vegas to ranting about the power of EQ? I don't know, writing isn't my strong point and I wander. Actually, the training allowed me to start living, start connecting with other, and push me to make some decisions. It's given me a community to work, live, laugh, cry, care, and love. I live in Dave's five bedroom house with three other people, Dave included. We live in an environment of love and joy, where we push each other to be our best, live in the moment, and continually grow. I'd love to share more about the work and what it's done for me. If you ask me what flavor kool-aid I drank, it's grape. If you think I've lost my mind, I'm open to the possibility of it, and willing to hear you out. If you're happy for me, but think it won't work for you, then I dare you to prove me wrong. In fact, I challenge you to make a video of yourself before you go to class and then one of you afterwards. I wish I had done that, so I could laugh at my before 'self' and all the hubris. As soon as you get done with the training, you'll be posting inspirational bullshit like I am now. Is this the answer to all the problems, the holy grail of blue pills that will cause instant happiness. Kind of, sort of. Life is still hard, we will still have our moments and trials, because that is life. Life is tragic and hard and beautiful and is your experience to do with as you wish. What it will do, is it will allow you to connect with yourself and everyone around you. EVERYONE!!! Does that make sense, fuck no it doesn't, because there are some douchey, douchebaggery, doucheholes out there. But you can. What a TedTalk on how a black guy made friends with a grand dragon KKK. Or how a radical feminist made a documentary with the original goal of showing how awful the men's movement is, only to end up being one of their biggest advocates. Watch these videos, listen to the stories, and mentally note how many times they mention emotional intelligence. What can I say, I really love Grape flavored stuff. Well this was my first blog post in a while and I declare to post everyday. Much peace and love. Brent