Revelation

Tonight I made breakthrough that I didn't want to have. If I'm serious about enrolling people into Choice Center I have to enroll my mother. She should have been the first person I called. If I enroll her, then I can no longer have the righteous satisfaction of being mad at her. My previous post someone asked me if I was working for Choice. This person read the blog and got a sense of a hustle, but she wanted to clarify so she asked. What she sensed was me not being vulnerable and authentic. She guessed it was me making money from referring people, but in actuality I was selling a version of myself. That self was a person who really liked the course, but wasn't as committed has he proclaimed. This person was right, I was selling what I hadn't experienced. Tonight I realized since I hadn't repaired my relationship with my mother I was only part way in. So I was a fraud. Well shit.... I've been crying the last ten minutes.... I really don't want to experience the pain of this, but I have to. This fucking course got to my core. I'm writing this while facing the fire. It's fucking awful, don't let anyone lie to you. Tomorrow when I get to take this course I can no longer be mad at her and will have to love her. I will have to have a relationship with her. I will be remove a formative layer of protection that I've built up around me. Fuck, I'm crying again. I have to take responsibility to fix a relationship with someone who I could the rest of my life without seeing again. The fucking course has some circular logic that I'm having trouble describing. This is the best I can do so far, but it's much deeper. I know this course works because it doesn't allow you to escape doing the hard thing that needs to be done, even if it's the absolute last thing you want to do. Someday I be able to explain it better. I realize I'm holding on to these emotions and this story for many reasons, one of which does not make me look like a good person. I lose the sympathy card that I've masterly learned how to use. Damn that was tough to admit to, and also scary to think about how many other victim stories I use to manipulate people. All the other reasons have an overall theme of her being a pain in the ass, which I will now incorporate back into my life. She's a difficult woman, and will always be difficult, but I've had my moments of being difficult to be around as well. I"ll post what happens tomorrow. I'm tired and I don't want to think about it anymore. Why does the thought of calling to repair the relationship with your mother feel worse than the thought of going to war?