The downward slope

Nothing goes up forever. What the fuck do I know, maybe there is something that never stops, but I'm using the saying to describe my current state. I've been on a pretty significant downward spiral for the last couple of weeks. I thought I was figuring a lot of shit out, and that this enlightenment process was moving down the road. I thought I was connecting and motivating the leadership team that I'm a part of, my mother who I've been estranged from for four years is back in my life, my brother was going to be next, thought I had a plan for my future, there was a woman, doing well in my current endeavor, and positivity was just about shooting out of my ass. All the years of depression, self loathing, and egotistical bullshit was now a thing of the past. I guess I forgot the ficking definition of hubris. Oh well, it shouldn't be a surprise, but more like a pattern. I got into this work to better myself and learn some tools to so that I can accomplish some generic goals that my ego has been whisper for the last twenty years. Get rich, get successful, get the wife, the kids, the car, the fat of the land. It's yours for the taking, and if you don't it's because you're an idiot and don't deserve it, and at the same time the victim of an unfair world with the worst luck in the world. Cursed, and forever in limbo, destined to be forgotten is record time. Failures mounting up and little to nothing to show for whatever bullshit accomplished in a trivialized past. Joy and love are only concepts. Brief delusions of a life that was not even a dream. Boo fucking hoo. What I've come to realize is just how manic my emotions are, and what havoc they wrought. There's a very young man, 19 years old, on this team that said something I found shocking and disrespectful. How dare this young person, with little life experience say something to me. If I would have snatched his ass through the telephone I would have. Pause, stop, halt, slow the fuck down. What the fuck is wrong with me, that I would let anything this person said affect me in any way. Isn't this situation exactly why I've been taking this course, and what I thought I had understood about how others perceive me? Have I learned nothing? OR shit, I have learned this, and I'm not able to incorporate the tools that I'm so impressed by? I haven't been able or willing to connect with anyone from the team. My reason are rationale and specific, or so my ego tells me. Fuck, maybe they are, but what fucking difference does it make? Did I come to this class to practice being right? If I did it was a waste of money, because I'm already pretty stinking good at being right. I'm here, I'm working, I'm spending my life energy and I'm actually telling myself I don't want to connect with them. What the fuck am I doing then? An instructor said that confusion is the highest form of consciousness. I googled the phrase, and it was also in the Life of Pi. If that's true then get me to nirvana quick, because I'm ready to take the quiz and move up the consciousness ladder. I guess I'll keep at it, trusting the process, and having faith without evidence that truths will come and it'll all be worth it. My safety net is I can always fallback to hard drugs and escapism whenever I choose. It's good to know I have choices.

Falling in Love

My mother agreed to go to the EQ and Leadership course that I think so highly of. I called her for the first time in years and she agreed to go immediately. To be honest, there was a part of me that was disappointed because I didn't have to fight for it, she just said yes. (Shrugging my shoulders) That knee jerk response is something that I'm working on and will always be apart of me, though now I don't have to act on it. Ok, I'm lying to myself, I'll do every now and again, but I like and it helps to get kicked in the teeth once and awhile. (Shrugging my shoulders again). I'm so proud of her. She's going way outside her comfort zone and that alone is a victory for her. This stupid course has given me so much that all I want to do is share the love. Tapping the brakes for a minute, I want to acknowledge that I don't know everything, in fact I know far, far less than I delude myself into believing. Yesterday was great for me, because I got to talk to two important people in my life that lovingly smacked me down a little. If you're reading this, please do it each and every time I need it. One told me to be open to other modes of enlightenment, and that my way is not the only way. Fair, and they're right, which is great because now I'm open to learning and experiencing more. My second friend, after reading an apology I wrote to my entire MBA class, called me up and asked me what was going on. I told him what I was doing and he started laughing. Come to find out, he did a course much like mine, and we were able to connect on our shared experience. I don't remember a time talking to someone outside this course about our growths, realizations, and challenges. We might even go to each others courses, which I'm crazy excited about. I've also been invited to an ayahuasca ceremony in Peru, and I can't wait to go..... To both of you for yesterday, let me think you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I'm a better person for it. I fell in love with this course. It's weird and I don't know how to explain it, but I did. A deep, meaningful, storied love that I've never experienced before. I'm currently in the leadership course and they made the mistake of putting me in a role of responsibility for the team. I feel like I did while in the military, of wanting to protect my 'guys'. What this has taught me is to be open about my caring for them, and showing them. It's also allowed me to understand and communicate what's going inside me. The other day I told them, that they were my misfits and loved them all. What they don't know is that they own me. Whatever they need, please don't tell them. Love you all, Brent

Revelation

Tonight I made breakthrough that I didn't want to have. If I'm serious about enrolling people into Choice Center I have to enroll my mother. She should have been the first person I called. If I enroll her, then I can no longer have the righteous satisfaction of being mad at her. My previous post someone asked me if I was working for Choice. This person read the blog and got a sense of a hustle, but she wanted to clarify so she asked. What she sensed was me not being vulnerable and authentic. She guessed it was me making money from referring people, but in actuality I was selling a version of myself. That self was a person who really liked the course, but wasn't as committed has he proclaimed. This person was right, I was selling what I hadn't experienced. Tonight I realized since I hadn't repaired my relationship with my mother I was only part way in. So I was a fraud. Well shit.... I've been crying the last ten minutes.... I really don't want to experience the pain of this, but I have to. This fucking course got to my core. I'm writing this while facing the fire. It's fucking awful, don't let anyone lie to you. Tomorrow when I get to take this course I can no longer be mad at her and will have to love her. I will have to have a relationship with her. I will be remove a formative layer of protection that I've built up around me. Fuck, I'm crying again. I have to take responsibility to fix a relationship with someone who I could the rest of my life without seeing again. The fucking course has some circular logic that I'm having trouble describing. This is the best I can do so far, but it's much deeper. I know this course works because it doesn't allow you to escape doing the hard thing that needs to be done, even if it's the absolute last thing you want to do. Someday I be able to explain it better. I realize I'm holding on to these emotions and this story for many reasons, one of which does not make me look like a good person. I lose the sympathy card that I've masterly learned how to use. Damn that was tough to admit to, and also scary to think about how many other victim stories I use to manipulate people. All the other reasons have an overall theme of her being a pain in the ass, which I will now incorporate back into my life. She's a difficult woman, and will always be difficult, but I've had my moments of being difficult to be around as well. I"ll post what happens tomorrow. I'm tired and I don't want to think about it anymore. Why does the thought of calling to repair the relationship with your mother feel worse than the thought of going to war?

Choice Center is no Choice

Las Vegas is my new home. The fucking desert and all it's dry excruciating hotness. I am from the water, born of the sea, and the most pure when in it. Twice have I said, "never again" to this extreme. It was the main reason I left the Army, that and the threat of death, but mostly the desert. The second is my resistance to the family farm in West Texas. Holy Jesus, has that caused some issues with me and one of my paternal units. Yet, here I sit in no mans land, baking and drying out in a town that makes no sense. But, why am I having so much fun in a place and climate that is awful? Of course the answer is simple and logical, the community of people I have surrounded myself with. My army buddy Dave in the source of this adventure. He talked me into a leadership course that transformed my life. He gave me a gift, one that I'm eternally grateful for and one I'd like to share. The work, and transformation, have been absolutely the best experience of my life. It taught me how to love myself and how to love others for who they are. If you're at all familiar with this type of study, then you can confer how much my ego was in control. The ego is a hell of a thing and one that controls the experiences of your life. Goddamn I was a miserable cuss. The only way to explain it was I believed that I was actually living in Hell. There was so much pain everyday, that it actually seemed plausible. Google "Are we in hell?", and see all the posts. There's even hour long YouTube videos exploring the idea. In all fairness some of the video were actually quite interesting, and if you like to think about new and interesting ideas it's worth a watch. Then this fucking thing called EQ revealed itself. Emotional Intelligence what? It had to be another self help, new age, pseudo science, Tony Robbins bullshit that the sheeple will love. Actually I wasn't that bad, but I didn't think it would work. Fast forward to the first of two four day weekends. Mind fucking blown!!! Converted!!! Evangelist!!! All the things!!! I can tell what it is and what it does, but I'm assuming like faith, you have to experience it. Being a non-believer, I never knew what that 'feeling' was, and internally scorned those that did. The opiate for the masses mindset. I've been trying to tell people what it transformation is like, and working hard to get those I care about most to go. Nope!!! They're not interested and give me what I assume was my look to people who have found the 'answer'. Fair. Actually the more I think about it, the more I empathize with those I'm beating up to go. It's this weird place that you understand why people are resistant, and the belief you have a secret that you want to share. I have an ANSWER people, trust me and I promise you it'll be amazing. Here's the thing though, it's not all the answers, just one big one, and it spills over to other things. The struggle is still real, but you get some powerful tools that become ingrained in you to help. That last sentence is what I feel is my biggest obstacle when talking to people about the training. Most of my friends and family are in the business world, a lot of them corporate. I remember sitting through countless corporate training, listening to someone talk about whatever bullshit they had. Looking back it's not fair to call the training concept or material bullshit. I'm sure there are reasons, great reasons, for them all to exist, but the balance of training value and profit maximization probably waters the material down. Also it's mandatory, which immediately puts up a lot of barriers for me. So if I talk to you and you think it's going to be a waste of time like all the other trainings you've done before, I understand. So how did I go from hating the desert and moving to Las Vegas to ranting about the power of EQ? I don't know, writing isn't my strong point and I wander. Actually, the training allowed me to start living, start connecting with other, and push me to make some decisions. It's given me a community to work, live, laugh, cry, care, and love. I live in Dave's five bedroom house with three other people, Dave included. We live in an environment of love and joy, where we push each other to be our best, live in the moment, and continually grow. I'd love to share more about the work and what it's done for me. If you ask me what flavor kool-aid I drank, it's grape. If you think I've lost my mind, I'm open to the possibility of it, and willing to hear you out. If you're happy for me, but think it won't work for you, then I dare you to prove me wrong. In fact, I challenge you to make a video of yourself before you go to class and then one of you afterwards. I wish I had done that, so I could laugh at my before 'self' and all the hubris. As soon as you get done with the training, you'll be posting inspirational bullshit like I am now. Is this the answer to all the problems, the holy grail of blue pills that will cause instant happiness. Kind of, sort of. Life is still hard, we will still have our moments and trials, because that is life. Life is tragic and hard and beautiful and is your experience to do with as you wish. What it will do, is it will allow you to connect with yourself and everyone around you. EVERYONE!!! Does that make sense, fuck no it doesn't, because there are some douchey, douchebaggery, doucheholes out there. But you can. What a TedTalk on how a black guy made friends with a grand dragon KKK. Or how a radical feminist made a documentary with the original goal of showing how awful the men's movement is, only to end up being one of their biggest advocates. Watch these videos, listen to the stories, and mentally note how many times they mention emotional intelligence. What can I say, I really love Grape flavored stuff. Well this was my first blog post in a while and I declare to post everyday. Much peace and love. Brent

Economic Re-seekCovery

There is one person who reads this blog and he's a Kool-Aid drinking leftist, and quite possibly one of the smartest person I know, so maybe he can help me out with this. What the fuck is going on with our economy?

I could go through what both sides (not political sides, economic schools of thought) are saying, but lets just boil this down in my mind to the two most important questions I have.

First - If the economy is recovering and you've brought us back from the brink of the edge, why oh why is the interest rate still at zero? Since you can't have a negative interest rate it would seem that if anything else happen our backs are a little against the wall being at the lowest rate already.

Second - Why does no one but the institution, Federal Reserve, have any oversight over the finacial actions of said bank? Shouldn't we the people have an idea who is getting our money, when, how much, and why? I hear from Washington the word Accountablility, but have noticed a real lack coming from them.

It seems to reason that anyone who takes a particular stance on anything now a days without demanding full disclosure a complete moron. Health Care Mandate(*) should be one of the most troubling events in my lifetime, but it pales in comparison to the Bail Outs, Wars we're in, and US citizens turning into sheeple by proxy.

(*)Words are very important, especially in a day when the incorrect ones can be passed with even the veilest of excuse draped over them and the public accepting them. When a noun requires, another important word, you to purchase a noun by way of taxation and/or retribution judicial procedure, it ceases to be a reform and starts becoming a fucking mandate. Or obligation. Or command. Or order. Or if you're a redneck, some'in you have to do.

Guide me Obi Wan, this shit is driving me nuts.

My drug of choice is the written word.

Mastery of any art is the only true form of immortality one can aspire. Of all the forms of art which would be considered the most difficult to achieve, the Shiner Bock of beers if you will. (Yeah that's right I crowned Shiner Bock as the best beer ever, and for anyone who has seen my facebook page it's made from Jesus's tears. Hint's the "Holy hell this is good!" when Bock virgins first sample the divine nectar.) As you can deduce from the title I'm a proponent of literature, and think strong arguments can me made for the master of the quill against the rest.

I was going to add more, but this being my first post in some time I don't want to push to hard. It's like cleaning out your pipes, you need to take it slow or you might pull something.

By the way I thought this was a great work, 50 points to who ever can guess the subject.

Small town Wisheck ND playing big city polictical douche baggerary

Read an article yesterday about a small town in ND that wants one of it's citizen to take down a wind turbine in his back yard. They say it's because he's in violation of zoning laws. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,579968,00.html (I know it's FoxNews, just read it.)

Now I know there are people out there are completely by the book and think he broke the law. If that's you, you're a douche and are most likely a member of your locate home owners association.

So I take it upon myself to post a note on the city's website guest book, which is somewhat surprising since I'm not one for causes, with a light note saying they should leave the guy alone. When I view the other posts there where three more saying more or less the same thing. This morning I thought I'd look to see if there were any more, curious to see how many there were today. Guess what I found. Whoever is in charge of the website had erased all the entry's in support of leaving the wind turbine up.

Obvious the next step in Righting the Wrongs of Man is bombard the cite with entries until they cave. www.wishek-nd.com/ Fight the man, and save the turbine.