The downward slope

Nothing goes up forever. What the fuck do I know, maybe there is something that never stops, but I'm using the saying to describe my current state. I've been on a pretty significant downward spiral for the last couple of weeks. I thought I was figuring a lot of shit out, and that this enlightenment process was moving down the road. I thought I was connecting and motivating the leadership team that I'm a part of, my mother who I've been estranged from for four years is back in my life, my brother was going to be next, thought I had a plan for my future, there was a woman, doing well in my current endeavor, and positivity was just about shooting out of my ass. All the years of depression, self loathing, and egotistical bullshit was now a thing of the past. I guess I forgot the ficking definition of hubris. Oh well, it shouldn't be a surprise, but more like a pattern. I got into this work to better myself and learn some tools to so that I can accomplish some generic goals that my ego has been whisper for the last twenty years. Get rich, get successful, get the wife, the kids, the car, the fat of the land. It's yours for the taking, and if you don't it's because you're an idiot and don't deserve it, and at the same time the victim of an unfair world with the worst luck in the world. Cursed, and forever in limbo, destined to be forgotten is record time. Failures mounting up and little to nothing to show for whatever bullshit accomplished in a trivialized past. Joy and love are only concepts. Brief delusions of a life that was not even a dream. Boo fucking hoo. What I've come to realize is just how manic my emotions are, and what havoc they wrought. There's a very young man, 19 years old, on this team that said something I found shocking and disrespectful. How dare this young person, with little life experience say something to me. If I would have snatched his ass through the telephone I would have. Pause, stop, halt, slow the fuck down. What the fuck is wrong with me, that I would let anything this person said affect me in any way. Isn't this situation exactly why I've been taking this course, and what I thought I had understood about how others perceive me? Have I learned nothing? OR shit, I have learned this, and I'm not able to incorporate the tools that I'm so impressed by? I haven't been able or willing to connect with anyone from the team. My reason are rationale and specific, or so my ego tells me. Fuck, maybe they are, but what fucking difference does it make? Did I come to this class to practice being right? If I did it was a waste of money, because I'm already pretty stinking good at being right. I'm here, I'm working, I'm spending my life energy and I'm actually telling myself I don't want to connect with them. What the fuck am I doing then? An instructor said that confusion is the highest form of consciousness. I googled the phrase, and it was also in the Life of Pi. If that's true then get me to nirvana quick, because I'm ready to take the quiz and move up the consciousness ladder. I guess I'll keep at it, trusting the process, and having faith without evidence that truths will come and it'll all be worth it. My safety net is I can always fallback to hard drugs and escapism whenever I choose. It's good to know I have choices.